AN EXCLUSIVE DASH!REPORTS SEQUEL:
WHY HAMS ARE SO GOOD-LOOKING Part Two
Recent genetic research has uncovered a startling link between an early Swiss amateur radio operator and millions of hams around the planet.
Tracking a new and controversial marker known as MightyMightychondrial DNA, rogue geneticists can now say with reasonable certainty that every ham that ever lived is related to a single individual best remembered for his well-appointed shack and jaunty choice of neckwear.
"Normally, traits such as good looks and fashion sense pass like falling dominoes through the generations," said Dr. Hans Zarkoff, Big Swiss Cheese at Heidi's Genetic Institute of Basel.
"But in the case of ham operators, a bio-quantum effect is in play, expressing these traits irrespective of time and space throughout a recessive hobby demographic."
"This allows hams born before Ham Numero Uno to pre-inherit his unique features and fastidious style, modulated, of course by local customs and more temporally-sequential genetic effects, like stinky Uncle Beezer's jug ears."
Zarkoff expressed his initial skepticism. "This is koo-koo I said to myself," recalled the ga-ga boffin. "But the more we examined a photograph of Numero Uno's radio shack published in a 1938 copy of Shortwave and Television magazine, the more it all just fell into place."
"Here is every ham shack that ever was and surely will be!" exclaimed Dr. Zarkoff. "That imposing desk, chockablock with aggressive electrical devices and crowned with a Terrestrial globe for ready reference. Those walls, an orderly riot of QSL cards punctuated by an elegant timepiece and a choice novelty – Numero Uno's prized Jerry Colonna life mask."
Amateur radio organizations have been quick to deny any resemblance between Numero Uno's operating position and streamlined modern dream shacks. A spokesperson for the Goodboys Radio Relay League who declined to be named dismissed the comparison with a single word.
Off the record, the spokesman complained that Franklin Mint model cars and O-gauge Bobbleheads authenticated by the Home Shopping Network were in no way comparable to a Jerry Colonna life mask.
Zarkoff defended his common ancestor theory against further criticism asserting that no one in recorded history, ham or otherwise, ever wore neckwear quite so goofy as Numero's Uno's fuzzy bolo. "Literally speaking, the fuzzy bolo may be something of an outlier," Zarkoff conceded."Yet if you attend any hamfest, you'll see it's stylistic equivalent in a thousand and one variations of what the hell is up with that."
Zarkoff hinted at a further possible breakthrough, in which violent perturbations of the of the ionosphere, such as created by Alaska's mysterious HAARP array, may cause an ongoing, ever-increasing likeness to Numero Uno among all licensed amateurs.
"Hamkind could become a new breed of identical cousin, a clone-like species based entirely on hobby preference, the consequences of which we can only dream," cackled the avuncular geneticist/DXer with a twinkle in his eye.